Even on my darkest days, when my monster convinces me that nothing I know to be true is real, when it has me believing that she doesn’t care, my heart still manages to persuade me to talk to her. Even when it’s scared that the monster is right.
Yesterday the monster had me completely convinced she didn’t care. A rather large battle with it was pretty much lost… But then there she was. Smiling at me. And suddenly everything was ok.
I just wish I could explain to her how hard I’m fighting against the monster, how I’m training myself not to go for the ways that used to quiet it. How the one thing she said stays in the back of my mind. A constant reminder. It’s what stops me from giving in. Even when all I want is for the monster to stop.
She’s my strength even when the monster has me almost convinced otherwise. I can’t thank her enough for that. She has literally saved me. And yet I still find it hard to open my mouth and tell her what happens when it gets bad and how she really gives me hope. Or to type the words. I’ve tried…