10th June 2019

Am I still your buttercup? That’s the question that’s been playing through my head. I know we’re still rebuilding bridges right now and I know that that takes time. But it’s the question that’s been on my mind for a while. I know that without a doubt you are still ma chou, my witchy woman, my Chóvihánni. You never stopped being. You never will.

It isn’t a question that needs an instant answer. In fact it’s not one I’m expecting to be answered any time soon. I’m not expecting answers to anything right now. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I never have. I never even expected you to love me in the way you have or even like me.

None of the questions I have right now need an instant answer, but eventually they will need one. And my saying eventually doesn’t mean this week, or even this month. However, and I know I keep saying this, we do need to talk things out in the near future.

It isn’t fair of you to expect me to hold on for conversations, etc., that you promise but that get put off indefinitely. I am worth more than that. I feel like you expect me to fit around you and just accept it. I told you I would never be a yes person, and I won’t. I will always support you and your endeavours, I will always love you. I get your need and desire for freedom. But I also deserve to have a conversation with you where I am not the only one letting it all out more than once every couple of years.

If we are going to stand a chance at rebuilding things, then we both need to put the work in. And I’m happy to listen to what you need from me in return to make things easier/rebuild things. But I do expect that we will both put in the effort. That means no more running, for either of us.

I am not prepared to be anyone’s ego boost. Nor am I prepared to not have my needs taken into consideration. I will always take the needs and desires of those I love into the consideration but I expect the same to be done for mine. Now I’m not saying you see me as an ego boost but I do need to get my feelings out as and that’s what these journals are for.

And to be honest I want to fix things and rebuild what we had, but it will take both of us and it will take more than emails and journals. But I shouldn’t have to be the one asking for time with you. I shouldn’t have to be the one to say “if you have an afternoon free….” If you really want to spend time with me , you will. If you really want to make things better between us again, you’ll find a way to meet me in the middle and put the effort in.

I’m not trying to be harsh or demanding, I’m not putting pressure on you. I am simply being honest. Because with all the will in the world, I can repeat myself until I’m blue in the face or until my hand drops off from writing, but it will take more than my love and effort alone to rebuild things.

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