When I woke up today, there was an air of trepidation about me. I procrastinated as I got ready, despite the fact I knew that Eileen and Jim would be coming to pick me up so we could go to the Fairy Fest in Oakworth. There was a stop we had to make on the way that was the reason for my not wanting to step out the front door.
Today was the day I posted a letter, a letter that has taken 17 years to be written, that took one of my dear friends to prod me into writing, and one that I will never know if it reaches its destination, which could be for the better, although a part of me will always wonder. I’ve written letters of a similar vein, one went up on my tumblr and one of the recipients, the same one that I sent the full letter to today, saw it linked on my twitter, read it and left me an amazingly heartfelt tweet, but it was the short form of what was sent today. A letter that it took more courage to write than it took to meet her for the first time. I finally put down every reason that Amanda Tapping is my role model and posted it to her, via her management company (fanmail address).
Friends told me it would feel liberating, I’m just scared. Scared she won’t get it, scared she will, scared she’ll read it, scared it will make her cry, scared that I didn’t put everything I meant to in it, scared because I’ve bared myself to her in a more complete way than I normally feel comfortable, and now I have no control over what happens with my words. Handing that letter over to the lady at the Post Office as I paid for postage was unnerving and in the car on the way to Fairy Fest I actually voiced the fact I wanted to go back and retrieve it. Luckily Jim and Eileen are good friends and I was told I couldn’t.
Fairy Fest is a Pagan Festival in Oakworth, in a beautiful park, where features like the staircase at the top of this post are carved into the rock. It’s beautiful and serene and on entering the park, walking through covered areas built into the rock and finding fairies hidden everywhere, I felt like I was a child again. A freedom of spirit and of love that only happens now when I indulge in my sci-fi habit. And it dawned on me as I made my way through the tunnels that I’ve let my spiritual side, my Romany heritage, my need to explore my own inner peace aside in recent months. I’ve become hyper focused on other things.
For days, actually for months, Amanda’s quote of “Live peace, speak kindness, dwell in possibility” has been in my head constantly. It’s been inspiring me in all aspects of my life, and today, it connected in my mind with the place I was at and I remembered what it felt like to be on that spiritual path. I took that nudge and came away from an amazing afternoon with friends with a renewed purpose and a renewed idea of the areas of my life I need to work on. And also the things I want to do in regards to following my path.
I’ll get back to my roots, meditate, read, pray, go out into nature, continue to fundraise, push forward, work on my temper and surrounding myself with the energies of positive people and perhaps, I’ll finally take up yoga.