mum

Dearest Maman, My Darling Mum,

61 isn’t that old. Not by today’s standards. In fact, for women, the age of retirement is no longer 60, it now matches the age of retirement for men. We often think that we have all the time in the world. And most of us don’t think of our own mortality until much later inContinue reading “Dearest Maman, My Darling Mum,”

Fifteen years still feels like yesterday

In 4 days your youngest child will turn 26. It will be the fifteenth birthday of his that you haven’t been there for. Today marks 15 years since you phoned me before the cinema and told me you felt unwell. You refused to let anyone call the on-call Doctor, you didn’t want a fuss. FifteenContinue reading “Fifteen years still feels like yesterday”

Grief

This week hits me like a tonne of bricks, every year. I always think that it might be easier, but it never is. Tomorrow I celebrate 3 years in my little flat and on Wednesday I will mourn 14 years since I lost my Mum. The pain that comes from it is always intense andContinue reading “Grief”

To my two mothers…

Mothers Day is fast approaching in the UK and I’m not going to be in for most of it as I’ll be at a little event in Scarborough called Sci-Fi Scarborough. So I thought I’d post this now. Whilst it’s fresh in my mind. I am fortunate to have two mother’s in my life, one is the biological mother who raised me, and one has only come into my life in the past year, but she treats me as if I am her own. So the two letters below are for them.

On the eve of your 59th birthday

I don’t think I’ll ever truly put aside the pain I feel at you not being here, Mum. I don’t think there will ever come a day when I’m not wishing I could phone you. It’s been almost 14 years and I can’t shake that desire. But this year’s post is something different, because you’veContinue reading “On the eve of your 59th birthday”

The hole in my heart that aches

Two weeks tomorrow, you would be 58.Two weeks tomorrow, you would open your presents and smile.Two weeks tomorrow, you would look at me and ask me if I could afford your gift.Two weeks tomorrow, you’d hug me and thank me.Two weeks tomorrow, you’d wonder why everyone was making a fuss. That is of course ifContinue reading “The hole in my heart that aches”

Mum

On Thursday you should be 57 years old. I should have been spending the last few weeks deciding on what to get my insanely difficult to purchase for mother on her 57th birthday. You would have, of course, told us all not to get you anything, but I would have spent every day since ChristmasContinue reading “Mum”