Signs – sometimes hard to find, sometimes appear with a sledgehammer

Last night I sat and drank a cup of tea from my favourite mug, as is my habit of an evening.  Then I went to bed.  It took a while to fall asleep but when I did, I dreamt the most beautiful and pure dream I’ve dreamt in a long time.

I was walking along Bel Royal beach back home, barefoot and hand in hand with an angel.  The angel had the face of someone I respect deeply, her wings surrounded us and I felt safe and warm and comforted. When I woke I put on the next episode of Supernatural (I am finally watching the show and want to watch it all before I watch the Amanda Tapping episodes), it was an episode about angels.  I got to work and a colleague was singing a song that reminds me of the person whose form the angel in my dream took.  Later today a colleague brought her baby daughter into the office, a beautiful little girl who shares a name in common with the person I respect.

I feel like all these signs are being thrown my way and I’m not sure why, but I do know that it will become clear eventually.  It’s just bizarre that this time, it is so crystal clear that they are there, but I have no clue what they mean.

Hunting for Neelix’s head

Back at the Entertainment Media Show in London a couple of months ago, I had the good fortune to meet Ethan Phillips through a mutual friend of ours.  It was during our conversation with him that I learnt that Ethan is searching for something that he just hasn’t been able to get hold of.  What is it you ask?  A Neelix Head Mug (if some of you are old enough to know what a Toby Jug is, think that but Neelix).  So I was roped into helping hunt for one.  Sadly, so far, I’ve not come up lucky and I’ve not heard from the mutual friend that she has been either.  So I’m turning to my wonderful friends in fandom.  Do any of you have one gathering dust in an attic or at the back of a cupboard somewhere that you no longer want?  Do any of you know of someone who does?

I want to help make this happen for him.  Ethan is possibly the sweetest man I’ve ever met and I know it would make him smile (and possibly laugh) if we could do this.  If you are happy to donate or sell on the mug you can contact me on my Facebook by private message, on twitter or by using my ask box on tumblr.  If you need any help in remembering or knowing what this item looks like, here’s a picture for you:


Anyone wishing to donate the mug, I’ll reply with my address for it to be forwarded to so I can pass it onto our mutual friend.  Anyone wishing to sell on the mug, leave your name, the price you want for it and a way to contact you and I’ll pass the information on to our mutual friend.

Someone out there must have this.

A work in progress post (finally)

My novel now stands at 38,066 words.  I lost the will to write a while ago, but I’m pulling it back in and I’m aiming to start writing 1500 words a day.  Target met tonight.  My target may be slightly altered for weekends, etc, but let’s see if I can’t get back into the flow of it.

My characters are talking to me again.  This makes me very happy.  The problem is that I am now sitting here trying to make them shut up.  I’m starting to go cross-eyed with it all tonight, so I have to rest and shall think about it rather than write any more.

I blame Alethea Kontis for the sudden resurgence of my need to write.  Why you asked?  She tweeted.  She tweeted and it kicked my muse into overdrive.  Ironically though, the tweet had nothing to do with writing.

Also if the book ever gets published, I have my dedications page already in my head.  Yeah I know, way ahead of myself.

Fringe – the show I love and the way it’s tearing me apart

Initially I stayed away from Fringe, the show brought me no interest when I first heard about it, but then I should know that these things have a habit of entering my personal sphere.  This time it was thanks to my wonderful best friend, E.  The first season was fun, it brought endearing characters and science.  Real science.  As the seasons progressed, my love of the characters increased and the fact the show brings challenges with it makes it even better.  I like being able to theorise and not having a predictable plot.  Stick me in front of a crime show or murder mystery and I can tell you way before the characters find out the answers who did it and how. Actually, that used to annoy E a lot as well.  Sitting in the cinema for The Da Vinci Code movie, having never read the book, I had it solved pretty quickly (read about 25 minutes in), so sat and enjoyed the cinematography rather than the plot.

But Fringe, Fringe challenges me, allows me to think along various different routes, gives me a chance to flex the old grey matter and makes me so happy to face that challenge.  My only issue is that now we’re in the final season, I’m being made more and more uncomfortable.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, my birthplace was occupied during WWII.  We islanders tend to call the War, the Occupation.  We grow up with tales of life under those times and watching Fringe is pretty much like listening to those tales.

The totalitarian environment of the dictatorship that the Observers have over Earth is familiar and yet surprisingly different.  The relationships between collaborating humans and the invaders are reminiscent of those tales I heard as a child.  The torture, the experiments, all reminiscent of the treatments those of us who have studied WWII are so very familiar with.  But WWII was orchestrated by humans.  The Nazi invasion was orchestrated by humans.  Humans who had ideas that went against freedom and wanted to purify humanity.  The Observers want to eradicate humanity.

Our introduction to the Observers was September.  September was the most human or should that be the most humane, of the Observers.  He was the one who helped, the one with a conscience.  We grew to love him, we grew to look forward to his entry into an episode.  Then he died at the hands of his people because he reached out.  They have no concept of human emotion, as witnessed by the latest episode.  Wyndham does not understand the concept of love.  He has never felt it and cannot understand it.  Perhaps that will be their downfall.  September was coming close to understanding it.  Perhaps that was his downfall.

The latest episode gave not only the characters a jolt, but the audience too.  So far this season, JJ Abrams and the crew have taken us on an emotional rollercoaster that outdoes all other seasons.  The torture of Walter, the reuniting of Etta and Olivia.  In the latest episode, Etta’s apparent death and the passing back of the bullet from daughter to mother.  Also the Broyles reunion.  That struck home so hard that I sat and sobbed as I watched from the moment Olivia looked at him, right through to when they were attacked.  It’s a powerful group of actors delivering a powerful script that is stopping me from refusing to watch further.  I need to know the outcome of this story, for better or worse.

There are very few shows out there that give us a look at the world that makes us uncomfortable but compel us to keep watching.  The last time I felt that way was the newer Battlestar Galactica.  Both shows have put me in mind of historic and present events on Earth and the way in which humanity has dealt with/is dealing with them.  Social commentaries that paint a picture that’s hard to avoid.  My only issue with this is that they don’t reach a wider audience.  They are relegated to the ‘Sci-Fi’ section of the media catalogue and those of us they reach are the ones who are already thinking about those things.  So many people are caught up in reality shows and soap operas that deal with the smaller picture without looking at the bigger picture.  Science Fiction has a way of looking at both and it captivates the audience watching so that they in turn talk and discuss it at length.

Selfish or just in need of some comfort?

The nights are drawing in, it’s getting cold (if you’re in Yorkshire like me seriously cold) and coming home to an empty flat is getting harder to deal with.  As is the fact I’m unable to join my friends at an event that means so much to so many of us in just a couple of weeks.  My endometriosis is causing physical pain and messing with my hormones and my knees are fighting against the cold.  My Seasonal Affective Disorder doesn’t help much either.

Yes this post is self-indulged and will probably pull people away from reading it, but my blog, my rules.  I’m starting to feel like I’ve got nothing to look forward to.  I know this isn’t true in the long term, but in the short term, the only thing keeping me looking forward is the chance of lunch with A on the 24th November.  I miss being in a constant flurry of things to look forward to, I miss spending time with my friends at conventions and I miss feeling like I have something just on the horizon.

I want something special to happen, something that is mine and that will bring me that one moment of pure happiness that I’m lacking at the moment. It doesn’t have to be big, but I want something.  When I’m alone all the time I start to get caught up in the stress of things and not look at the bright side, I start to worry, I close up, I withdraw.  None of these are good things.  So maybe I’m being selfish, but is it so wrong of me to want that comfort?

Tattoo or not to tattoo that is the question

I was reading an article on the The Telegraph website earlier today about HMV banning visible tattoos and piercings for their store staff and the discussion it sparked in the comments section.  Most of the comments moved from the unification of staff appearance to the topic of body modification being a past time of layabouts, thugs and those who don’t want to work.  I’m more than a little insulted, as I suspect, would anyone else who has body modifications would be.  I’m a thirty year old with 3 small tattoos, a fourth tattoo designed and planned and I hold down a full time job whilst dealing with health issues, thank you very much you narrow minded people.  There are also people for whom tattooing is a religious and/or cultural right of passage.

Continue reading “Tattoo or not to tattoo that is the question”

The problem with depression

Depression can be caused by many things, hormone imbalances, the lack of daylight hours in winter, illness, an experience such as physical and emotional loss.  But the problem is unless you’ve ever experienced it, you don’t understand the enormity of the situation.

Warning: under the cut you may find triggers and uncomfortable reminders.

Continue reading “The problem with depression”

What if everything you had ever believed, everything you’d ever known was a lie?

I found out some things recently that for a week or so coloured my view of certain person.  What those things are and who that person is, I can’t reveal, because it would break a trust that I do not want to lose.  But it hurt.  It put me in a position of wondering how valid certain things I hold as truth are and what that means in the grand scheme of how I feel about things.  It also confirmed a gut feeling that had been nagging at me for a while.

But then I sat and broke it down.  My experiences, my truth, are no different than they were before.  The things that have happened have happened and they are there and real and true.  The reality of it is still there.  The opinions of that person are still valid and the way I feel about them is still valid.  It’s the actions of another person that brought them into question and that person is neither here nor there to me, although I do find it amusing that I see them in varying shades of grey leaning towards black rather than with complete indifference now.

Someone once asked me “What if everything you had ever believed, everything you’d ever known was a lie?”  It’s a common enough question and I honestly can’t remember my answer at the time.  But my answer to it now is this:

If you told me today that my truth, what I consider to be true was not true, it still would be.  My feelings are still true, my experiences are still true and valid.  When I finally saw the person I call my sperm donor for the man he truly is, I was crushed.  But that doesn’t lessen the experience and truth of my first eight years of life.  I may have been too young to see the whole picture, but those years are very much real and very much valid.  It’s my perspective that’s changed.  It doesn’t mean my life and my beliefs were a lie.  Here’s the thing, you cannot determine an experience as a lie in the same way you can the opposite of a factual truth, because an experience is not always factual, not always logical, and so, the scrutiny of factually based evidence falls apart when trying to use it to measure the truth of experience.

So the things I know now that I didn’t know before about a particular person have shifted the balance slightly, but the truth of my experiences still remains.  I still feel the way I did about them, but I just have another piece of the puzzle and I’m trying to fit that into the correct place as it forms part of the bigger picture.

For once I want the media to portray Queer couples and characters without prejudice

A list of things I want and have every right to expect:

  • Queer characters on my screen as actual people, in mainstream shows.  By Queer I mean EVERY part of the LGBTQ community.
  • Queer relationships.  When the fans see a more probable relationship than the mainstream media do in a show from the chemistry between actors, it’s insulting when it’s ignored.
  • A Disney film with a lesbian princess and a gay prince. Children need to know that their families are represented even in kids movies.
  • Queer people to be treated with respect. Period.

A huge ‘Thank you’ to Lana Parrilla from this Evil Regal

After yesterday’s post about the harsh realities for some of us who choose to come out, today is filled with a ray of sunshine. Sitting waiting for my hospital appointment this morning, a tweet arrived on my phone.  I open it up and there’s an image linked.  Open the image and this is what I see:

Lana NOH8

Thank you, Lana, for standing up for those who are verbally and physically abused, who deal with online hate day in day out.  And thank you for your continued support of LGBTQ causes.

This Evil Regal held hir head a little higher today when a colleague asked “So who is it that’s done this new picture for NOH8?” and had the chance to reply with “Lana Parrilla, the Evil Queen on Once Upon A Time and leader of the Evil Regals.  Thanks to her we all feel a little more inspired and positive.”

Much love to you, Lana,

And thank you again,