…and I nearly fell off the wagon tonight. For reasons I won’t go into, I chose instead to jump on the phone to my sister sobbing my eyes out, and extremely tempted to make an order for a large bottle of wine which I would have swallowed down in a heartbeat. But I had the sense of self to hold myself responsible and reach out to someone who would talk me down. I will see that year and after that year I will keep on going for my own health.
I gave up alcohol because it was effecting my health. It was worsening my IBS, it wasn’t helping my joints, and it was generally making things much more difficult cognitively. Almost a year down that road and I can honestly say that there have been a few moments where I’ve questioned if I would be able to stay alcohol free. But I have. And I am not going to allow the actions of another person to cause me to change the path I’m on.
I will admit that I didn’t know I was addicted. But then, given my genetics and my predisposition, I should have. Given my knowledge of AUD and how that’s developed over the past six years, I really should have. But then as they say, the last person to know is the addict.
I’m emotional right now. But I can feel those emotions. I can feel the pain and hurt in my chest and I’m not living wrapped up in a numb little bubble. I am choosing to feel the raw emotions and ride through them. I’m choosing to hold myself accountable for everything I do. I’m living my life authentically. Because dammit that’s the only way I know how.