I am living, not just surviving.

Someone recently told a dear friend of mine that she and I are survivors. And it’s true we have come through a lot, we have faced the obstacles and challenges that greet us and we have tackled them to the best of our capabilities. We have shown strength that we didn’t know we were capable of, and in doing so we have found each other. But we are not just survivors. There is more to our tales than that.

Today I choose to start living my life, to start loving my life, and to start changing my life in the ways that I know will make it better. No more getting through the day and saying ‘I’ve survived’. No more struggling to find the strength to keep on pushing through. Because today is the day I reclaim my life for me.

It’s taken a lot of self healing to get to the stage where I can say without doubt that I recognise the voice of the monster. The one that tells me I am ugly, will amount to nothing and deserve to live from day to day.  It’s the monster that tries to stop me eating again, tells me that I’m not worth the attention of people I respect, people I love, people I want to work with. It’s the monster that brings in the self doubt. That monster is not just the voice of my PTSD but the voice of someone I lived with for a very long time. Well today I say, I can hear you monster, but I choose to no longer believe you. It may take time, heck it may be hard as hell, but I will reach the day where my own voice is consistently louder than yours. I’m already starting to drown you out. And if I see your physical embodiment again, I will tell you, just as Sarah told Jareth in Labyrinth “YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!” (Thank you KS for that reference).

  • Today I choose to believe what a different KS told me. Today is the day I will send the email that has been waiting to be sent since Friday. I choose to try. I choose to take that risk and I choose to say if it doesn’t work out, that’s alright, because I chose to try.
  • Today I choose to look at the women who have inspired me, who have pushed against the odds and come out stronger and say, I owe it to myself to do the same.
  • Today I choose to say goodbye to the negativity and embrace the life that is ahead of me and the life I am living today which will prepare me for what’s ahead.

I have always looked at the things I’ve been faced with and overcome and said it was because I had to. I was wrong. It wasn’t because I had to, it was because I chose to. There’s a difference. I have chosen to deal with people turning on me, chosen to put up with being walked over and abused, chosen to wish for a different body without the challenges I face. But no more. I choose to embrace myself, bit by bit and I choose to walk away from the toxic people who take me for granted. I choose to live!

Published by scribblenubbin

A conundrum inside an enigma.

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