Sometimes goodbye is easier than hello

I had a friend whom I loved deeply.  He was like the other side of my Genderqueer self.  We would talk for hours and hours about things that seemed to only make sense to the two of us.  We would talk about time as a non-linear construct, past lives, gender identity, and all of it was deep and meaningful.  The only problem was he had a habit of dropping off the radar for months at a time and usually without a goodbye.

The last time he did this to me he was gone for a year.  Then he came back and wanted everything to be on his terms.  I wasn’t buying it.  I reached the stage where I couldn’t do it any more.  If he wanted back in it would be on my terms and there would be no disappearing without a word for months on end.  I had had enough of him pushing my abandonment issue buttons and he needed to realise my heart doesn’t have an open door policy.  There’s only so much it can take before it’s shut and the chances of that door opening up again are slim.

This resulted in him disappearing from my life again and so with the help of AH and our dear friend G, and my friend GD, I let go.  It pained me to do so, and sometimes even now I wonder if he’s ok and how he’s doing.  I still miss our late night conversations and the way he seemed to get me completely.  But my heart is mine to protect and I had to do what I felt was right.

Talking to GD today, I find out that once again he’s done a runner.  Maybe he can’t cope with things and maybe that is why, but I can’t honestly say I’m surprised.  It happens without fail every few months.  I still love him, but I reached my breaking point and I hope for his sake others don’t do the same, because one day, I fear that all those doors that were once open to him will be shut.